TURF WAR OVER MY NUTS

I don't make this stuff up. I wish I did.

I don't know what possessed me to think that feeding wild rodents in my backyard was a good idea. But let me tell you, it wasn't.

And it wasn't just over peanuts either. Nope. I feed the wildlife in $6.99/lb cashews. Eat up, vermin. The gravy train is over.

I am a sucker for animals. When a stray cat had kittens under my shed, I was there for them. I found the kittens a home. I had the Mama (as I used to call her) spayed, and sent her to live with a nice Chinese couple.

I remember clearly taking my brother out back one day to show him the kittens.

"Look, here comes Mama. The kittens come out with her. See, there under the shed? The tiny kittens eating that mouse? Do you see those cute bundles of fur tearing the flesh from that rodent?"

All I left them was a bowl of sun-souring milk. If I'd known they wanted BBQ, I would have offered them seafood.

Maybe this need to help out animals stems from my allergies. I'm allergic to all sorts of fur-covered beings, and it causes me distress to not be able to have any pets. I can have SOME pets. I did have seamonkeys for a while. Fun to raise; not great on a BBQ.

I have had pets in the past. They only confirmed my allergies. Once I had a puppy that was my best friend. Everyone says that about their pets, but I'm serious. One night when my pillow fell off my bed, Spike slid himself under my head to comfort me. Talk about a best friend. A best friend that caused my eyes to inflame and swell shut while choking my breathing in asthmatic compressions.

Comfy to sleep on. Nearly killed me.

That was when I was 12. One of those ideas to help during parental seperations, if you see where I'm going. Kind of backfired. Instead of finding comfort in the stability of a pet during my parents divorce, I got Daddy's not going to live here anymore and your new best friend has to go to a farm where he can play with other dogs in freedom.

I think in future I'll just keep my nuts to myself.